Since I was a young girl, I’ve been trying to fit into someone else’s mold. I’ve always been looking over at the cool kids table and wanting to be them. I desperately wanted to fit into someone else’s suit: mine was just too damn itchy and uncomfortable. I hated my hair. I hated my teeth. I hated my nose. I hated my skin. When I finally realized that I couldn’t change my suit, I tried to change my personality. I was too loud. I was too negative. I was too self-conscious. I was too judgmental. And trust me, I wasn’t being hard on myself. I attracted fair-weather folks who were all too happy to co-sign about my insecurities. So much so that a couple of “friends” in college decided to have an intervention so that they could tell me just EXACTLY what they thought of me, what my flaws were, and why they no longer wanted to be my friend.
I couldn’t find anyplace to fit in, no matter how hard I tried. I was lonely, miserable and depressed–for a really long time. So, one day, while talking to my eldest brother on the telephone, I catalouged my failure. I lamented my heartbreaks and loneliness. I talked about my inability to find a place among people that I could call my own. I held my breath and waited for him to tell me what so many other people had before: that I was “this” negative thing or “that” negative thing and what I needed to do to change it.
He didn’t.
Instead, he said something that I will never forget and something that has come back to me today, which has been an especially difficult one. He said: “There’s nothing wrong with you, Tiff. You just haven’t met the right people.”
A giant lightbulb shattered somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain. Could it have really been that simple? Could it really have been that all the people who had said I was “corny,” or “too loud,” or “too negative” were just not the right people? I had never actually stopped to consider that there was nothing wrong with me at all; I just hadn’t found the people who could love me, support me, and accept me for the person that I was.
That was ten years ago, and I am just remembering this lesson today after a good friend of mine said: “You are judgmental and you judge people harshly.” I had a flashback to high school and college. Surely, she must have been right. She was the “right people” that I had found. I was deeply offended. I didn’t see myself the way that I was being characterized. So what had happened? What was I to do with that information?
The Answer Was Nothing.
This is the reality: I do judge people, and I can be judgmental. But what you might call judging, I call opining. I’m not calling people out and making them cry. I’m expressing my opinions. So, as Jay-Z would say: on to the next one. This is simply a part of who I am, and I’m okay with that. You see, it would take a lot more energy to change that behavior than it would to start another self-improvement project for a personality trait. Why waste that energy on changing something for someone else. Instead, why not accept the person who you are and expect that the people around you do the same?
So, get your typing fingers ready, because I’m about to lay out some judgment:
I think Michael Vick got a fair sentence and that he deserved every hour of jail time that he received.
I think that Monique’s Hollywood “open marriage” to Sydney is gross. If people want to sleep around, they shouldn’t get married.
I think that the Academy Awards only recognizes African-Americans who play stereotypical roles (Hattie: slave, Halle: inmate’s girlfriend, Denzel: rogue, thieving cop, Monique: abusive mother from the ghetto).
What? What did I say?
So, Why Don’t People Want You to Be Who You Are?
There are a lot of reasons, but here are three:
1) If people “allowed” you to be who you truly were, they’d have to show up to the game. They’d have to be authentic. They’d have to stop buying into the bullsh@t and start to pursue the things that they really say they want. That’s too scary. It’s easier to keep themselves, and you, in a box.
2) It’s easier to point out someone else’s shortcomings so that you don’t have to deal with your own.
3) When people control your self-expression, they control your will. They control how you feel about yourself and what you do with your life. Dominance and control are staples of unhappy people’s diets.
Give Your Critics the Middle Finger…and Smile.
If you don’t believe me, try it. We live in the greatest country on earth because we have free speech, right? Try this short test: Write a true opinion that you have as your Facebook status, that’s not a commonly held belief or that is a belief that your audience won’t agree with and see what happens.
Try something like:
There is only one God and His Son is Jesus.
Health care is a right, not a privilege.
See how many people will show up—just to shut you down. See how many people will show up—just to argue their position. See how many people will show up—just to tell you how wrong you are. See how many people will show up—to validate you. But remember: you don’t need approval or validation. And, you don’t need to be ashamed of your opinions.
You only have to be exactly who you are.
Several years ago I was going through a rough break up and kept asking myself why I was not enough and what was wrong with me that he didn't want me anymore. A wise judgmental friend told me exactly this: Cate, because you're crazy! But guess what? One day you'll find a man who will say the following, "Yeah, my woman's crazy, but she's my crazy woman and I love her!" Fast forward to the present and I got exactly that. A husband who loves me as I am and friends who appreciate my corky, overly dramatic personality. Your brother is absolutely right! There is nothing wrong with you, you are perfect exactly as you are! I wouldn't have you any other way friend!
cate – you know me TOO well! i probably told you the above, too, huh? well? look at you! your husband and son look like they could step out of a magazine and they're sweet to boot–which you deserve! thanks so much for giving me the encouragement that i needed this week!
I recently subscribed to your blog, and this is the best one one yet!!! I wouldn't consider any of those statements judgmental. They are your opinions, and you are allowed to have them!! Most of us have them, some people are simply not bold enough to share them, or can't form ideas that are their own and dont have the knowledge or courage to back their ideas up!!
Cortney – thanks so much! For some reason, I was getting it from all sides this week. I finally just stood up and said: "wait a damn minute! i'm entitled to my opinions, even when they're unpopular." it helps to be reminded every now and then, huh? =) thanks so much for subscribing to the blog. i hope that you'll continue to find something of use here!
As I was reading the part about what others thought of you, my first thought was "she was attracting people who reflected what she thought about herself". I think we draw people to us based on how we see ourselves, and everything that we see may not be everything that they see. Like how your friend saw your opinions as judging people and negative, and you clearly did not. I don't think there's anything wrong with what either you or she thinks… like you said, on to the next one! Whats crazy is that there are so many people who didn't get the advice that your brother gave to you, so they're still walking around being hurt by friends who don't reflect their positive thoughts about themselves.
I have some realllll unpopular opinions too, and I've always been uber-opinionated. So much so that in college I started The Protest List: my list of people and notions that make no damn sense and get on my last nerves. Now its a joke between me and my closest friends: "girl, I had to put Michael Baisden on the Protest List today!"
Anilia – as much as we might not like to hear it, you're right. we attract people based on a lot of things – the most important thing: our vibration. If we're sending out negative vibrations, we'll attract negativity and then the more we focus on it, the more it expands. It's a pretty vicious cycle. Then again, when we are sending out positive vibrations, we attract positive things. Example: I've found your blog just as I seek to motivate others. So, we send out mixed signals and then get mixed results. My friend in question is a good one – she is thoughtful, helpful and kind. This said, this entire story shows me that we must think best of ourselves first and always understand intimately exactly who we are. That way, we can deflect negativity and absorb positivity.
I think I can summarize your 3 reasons why people don't allow you to be who you are into 1 reason: people incorrectly hold others responsible for their own happiness. The only person that can make me happy is me. If Your light shines brighter than mine, I'm giving you implicit permission to make me feel bad by comparing myself to you. Thats not your fault, thats mine. You're doing what makes you happy and I should do the same. Me telling you that there's something wrong with you, that you should fit into a particular box, that your opinions are wrong, are my attempts to hold you responsible for my happiness. Doesn't that just suck?
Anilia-right on! I agree with you 100%. Our inability to "fix" ourselves forces us to project onto others. It's just much easier than really looking at yourself. The problem as I see it is that we look for people to help us to identify areas that need to be addressed that we cannot see. You just have to be very careful about the feedback that you receive. As much as people want to help, every opinion is colored by your own experience.