When I was younger and people would ask me for advice about telling their girlfriends about a dead-beat boyfriend, I would always scream as loud as I could: “Don’t Do IT!” I would let people know in no uncertain terms that their feedback to their girlfriends was never worth it. A penis will always trump a friendship.
Friends are a Dime A Dozen—Penes are Limited Resources, Right?
Now that I’m a little older and wiser, I assumed that I didn’t have to follow my own advice. (Ain’t that the way it goes?) I decided that the sister-friends that I had made over the course of my life were my true friends—friends that I could be open and honest with at all times. What I re-learned with a friend that I thought I’d have until I was old and gray was this: a penis will trump a friendship, every time.
Penes Tell You What You Want to Hear. Friends Tell You What You Need to Hear.
Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend about open marriages in which I poo-poo’ed the idea. After all, if you wanted to have sex outside of your marriage, why marry in the first place? A tsunami of personal attacks from my friend followed. What I had forgotten was that the last two relationships that my friend had been in had been with men who were openly sleeping with other women. Whoops! By the time I realized what had happened and attempted to stop the onslaught of her wrath, I made another mistake: I uttered the truth. I told her that my opinion was that she was getting so upset because she also let men use her sexually.
Crickets.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: that’s just over-the-top. Not for us, I would have said 13 days ago. Little did I know it, though, our friendship had ended with a cricket chirp. There would be no reconciliation. Instead, there would be a two-week period of silence in which my friend’s justification of her relationships would harden and calcify. In the end, there would be a relationship homicide. After six years of speaking or seeing each other almost every day, a friendship would vanish into thin air—over a very well-used penis.
Penes Gratify Your Body. Friends Gratify Your Soul.
And so, I end just where I began: re-learning an old lesson. Don’t tell your friends about their dead-beat boyfriends. Don’t tell them that they deserve better or that they are being used. Don’t tell them anything at all about their relationships. These things are for them to learn, not necessarily for you to expose. That is unless you are a true friend. True friends are few and far between. The difference is that you will be willing to lose a friendship for a true friend. You will be willing to make observations to help your friend preserve her life, her health and her emotional stability, knowing that you run the risk of alienating her forever. And, you will do this in order to plant a seed. It may not land on fertile ground, but you will have done your part.
Tiff, you know what… I'm extremely picky about who I choose to be friends with. Yeah, I CHOOSE. I don't just casually start talking to the chick who sits next to me at work, then we start having lunch, then going to movies, and then all of a sudden we're BFF. I'm that quiet, observant person who evaluates everyone first before being friendly. It might be cold-blooded, but its saved me so much drama and pain. Honestly if I have to tell you what's wrong with your pene, then we dont need to be friends!
These things are for them to learn, not necessarily for you to expose. That is unless you are a true friend. True friends are few and far between.
You have to be true friend material for me to interact with you… I don't do 'acquaintances'. And you're right, they are few b/c alot of ppl would rather hear what they want and not what they need. I want you to tell me when my draws stank b/c I'm gonna tell you and not leave you out there. If you haven't learned certain lessons by this point in life, then we don't need to be friends…I'm just sayin'….
Anilia – so sorry that it took me so long to reply. I don't think that I have done such a great job choosing friends, I have just felt grateful to have any friends at all. That's low self-esteem and I'm working on that! I make friends slowly and generally keep them for a long time. This situation has really taken me by surprise. But this is true: "I want you to tell me when my draws stank b/c I'm gonna tell you and not leave you out there."
Tiffany, in my experience, most people don’t want to hear the truth about anything…not their health, finances, hair style, living situation, government, job, or choices. Truth presents challenges, and challenges require thought. Most people want to turn off their brains and float through life on cruise control.
Rob – I think you are right. It's so good of you to drop by to say it, too. I've been having an especially hard time dealing with this situation. But in the end, as a friend, you should try to challenge people to be better, which is what I was trying to do. I just hope that one day, I will get over it. Thanks so much, Rob!