People…don’t…change. 
If I’ve heard that once, I’ve heard that a million times. People are who they are, who they are. I remember my mother telling me that when I was little. Then, as I got older and started to have my own relationships, I remember her telling me that people won’t change for you.
Boy, was she right about that.
You would think that, as a person who is struggling to change her own habits, I would know very clearly that it’s difficult for other people to change. So why do I become frustrated with other people who say they will change when they know very well that they won’t? If I can’t change my own bad habits without a constant struggle, what on earth would make me think that someone else would want to change his/her bad habits just for me?
Ain’t happenin’.
So why do we frustrate ourselves? Why do we even try at all? What do we do when we struggle with the same problems habitually, in life and in relationships? When do we throw in the towel and say: “This is who I’m going to be” OR “That’s just the way he/she is”? Where do we draw the line between striving (to be better) and accepting things as they are? I’m not sure of the answer, which is why I am posing it here.
I can only come to one conclusion. We have to continue to strive until we can reach a point of acceptance. This might not be an ideal, but it has to be acceptable for you. For example, I’ll never weigh 135 pounds again – perhaps I wouldn’t even want to – but I can be a healthy size 12 again. That’s a good enough goal to strive for and to accept, I think. Or, maybe that’s not it at all. Maybe blogger Oleg Mokhov got it right when he said that setting goals is hazardous to your health, and that we should set “themes” instead. He points to three reasons why we shouldn’t set goals:
- They don’t work – seriously, when was the last time you accomplished a goal exactly as planned? (*cough* New Year’s resolutions *cough*)
- They discourage – you focus on what you didn’t accomplish rather than on what you did, which discourages you from continuing to grow, change, and get results.
- They don’t fit into your life – like fitting a square peg into a circle hole, rigid goals don’t work with your fluid life.
I’m not sure that I agree with Oleg, but he certainly has a point, doesn’t he? Would my task be easier if I were only trying to smoke less, weigh less and sleep more? Could I really be happy if at the end of the year, I had improved some, but not met my goal? I don’t know. What I do know is that if I had a theme for 2010, it would be to get healthy – inside and out, and to love myself first and most. As the old adage goes, unless we love ourselves first, we have nothing to give to anyone else. I am a firm believer in that, yet this is not yet exhibited in my life. In order to make any changes at all, I think this must be first.
I would be uncomfortable asking someone to change “just for me” but would certainly be supportive of someone changing their habits for the better. For example, I wouldn’t demand my husband quit smoking for me, but if he wanted to do it for himself (and of course I would benefit too) I’d be supportive.
Habits are hard to change, and in my small experience working steadily and with lots of planning seems to work. I set short term, very acheivable goals but try to avoid the longer-term, more-likely-to-fail variety.
Loving yourself more and seeking better health are certainly commendable goals. And, it seems more loving to give yourself guiding principles than to punish yourself for not reaching hard and fast rules.
Interesting topic, with lots of food for thought.
@Dava – I can certainly see your point. I didn't think of it that way – that I would be asking someone to change "just for me," but that's precisely what I would be doing. Thank you for making that point. Perhaps that is selfish. For example, my husband has never asked me to stop smoking, but there are certainly things that I wish that he would do – just for me. I like this the most: "it seems more loving to give yourself guiding principles than to punish yourself for not reaching hard and fast rules." Yes. I agree. Thanks so much!
I think we can change some of our habits, but not our true character. I quit smoking for family and a relationship. Well the relationship has since ended and I am still a none smoker.
But, I am a loner and that is a character detail that can not be changed, hence the ended relationship.
that's a good point, ms. freeman! i think that we can change habits, but we have to embrace who we are and at some point, we have to accept who we are. thanks!
As you probably know by now, I'm a pretty rational person. In this scenario, my rationale serves me, because I tend to maintain the attitude of, "Well, hey…if I'm not worth you having to compromise on this, then I don't want to be with you" type mentality…which seems to have kept me from falling into the trap of trying to change someone. Mostly because I'm a crazy bitch who has an entirely big ego, although I like to masquerade it as maturity. :p Haha.
I think the point I'm trying to make is this: If you have to change a person in the first place, it isn't worth your time. Emotional attachments are a bitch, and are the only reason why we even bother.
My two cents?
@ash – ah! i see EXACTLY what you're saying. i think the issue is that the very thing that attracts us to someone is the thing we may find that we want to change later. it could be impossible to know that you'll be wanting to change someone until you get down to the get down. Do you know what I mean? For example, my husband is very laid back and is slow to anger. Fantastic qualities for me since I'm a bit of that "crazy bitch with a big ego" as well. But this becomes an issue when we're trying to reach goals. I take a very hands on approach – he's very laid back. I think the trick here is to see someone holistically from the beginning and to be aware of our tendencies to be attracted to our opposites. It's good and it can be super frustrating, too! thanks, ash!!